So I took some time to figure out am I really that mad at HIM? Well I've come to the conclusion that I am not, I am really mad at myself for relying on HIM. Ever since my son was itty bitty, I have made all the decisions for him, I have taken care of him myself, without any help from his father. That's just the way I am. I didn't think HE wanted to be bothered with any of it, and honestly it really didn't matter what he thought, he's my son. When I start to rely on someone, I expect them to see things through. But of course that really doesn't happen that smoothly.
So there it is, out on the table. I allowed someone else to help me with my son, and it bit me in the ass. That's my fault. I know better than to rely on anyone. I'm such a damn fool sometimes.

So I'm a little frustrated today. I made plans with HIM a month ago to watch our son so I could drive my grandma home from the airport. It's a 3 hour round trip, and didn't want my son to have to ride that far that late. Well he told me that he has parent teachers conference for his kids. He just told me yesterday and today I'm going on the trip. Real nice. I understand that he needs to go to these things, he should go, but could he have told his baby factory to make it another night cause he has our son? Course not. Now he did offer to take CJ with him, but then it'll be bullshit cause CJ can't sit still for very long. He's 4 years old. He's a wiggly little guy! He keeps saying I'm bringin my other kids. Well fine, more power to you, but yet again, I have to change my plans.
This is why I rarely ask him to hang with CJ. If it's not one thing then it's another. I told him originally that I thought it would be a good idea for the two of them to have a little man time together. Of course not.
I guess you could say that I am jealous. Now I'm not jealous for myself, I am jealous for my son. Yet again he has to play second string to his siblings. This is such bullshit. I just want him to be treated equally. That's all, not better definently not worse. But of course not. Aparently the Baby Factory is unable to hand anything herself.
Awww I am so bitter about this. Damn I feel like he's being screwed again, and it makes me crazy!
Maybe this is wrong of me. Maybe I'm just being an asshole. I don't know it's just how I feel. I'm sure it's wrong, I usually am.

I am so angry at HIM. I am seeing red of the difference and inequality he treats me and my son.
She calls cause one of your kids are sick. You leave to get them. But when I called you cause our son was sick, you said you were too busy. We are extremely slammed right now, got too many problem cars sitting here. You don't mind getting your other kids, but when it comes to ours, you don't have the time. AInt that a bitch.
If my son runs his mouth you get angry, and rude with him. If your daughter does it it's funny, and you laugh.
If our son acts goofy cause he's 4 you get angry and say you werent' allowed to be a kid. If your daughters do it, then you laugh.
If your daughters are in trouble they tell you they love you, so they won't get in too much trouble. It works, and you are less harsh. Our son does it, and you cuss at him.
I was told once by a friend of mine that you did that kind of stuff cause you knew I was strong and could take care of everything when it comes to our son. Well Fuck! Maybe I would like some help too!
Your children come to my house every Saturday. Which is great. You need to see them. But you ignore my son when they are around. You treat him differently, then the other children. I kinda understand why, it's cause you don't get to see them very often. But it really makes me angry that you didnt' treat CJ any differently when you seen him on weekends. You NEVER put him above your other children, which you shouldn't do. You NEVER even treated him equally.
We've fought a million times over this, and you do make a conscience effort every now and then. But what about the rest of the time. Aint that a bitch!
You are missing so much of this little boy. He's going to be 5 in May. You can't get that time back.
My son has a bad day at school and you make him cry. Your daughters do it and you lecture a little and that's it. Problem solved. You jump my son ass like he's nothing. Guess what? HE IS EVERYTHING!
I am sorry that you cheated on your baby factory with me and I got pregnant. You think I wanted that? But My Life began when I had my son. I told you repeatedly to walk away from us, you chose to stay. Now STOP treating us like we are nothing!
I want to run away so badly. I want to move to another city far away. I want to protect my son so you don't do anymore damage to him. When you want you are a good guy and father. It's not always hell, but when it's bad it's bad, and I cannot deal with it much longer.
Would my son be better with out you? I don't want to make that decision, but if things don't change I will.
I really believe I would of been better off if my dad wasn't around, the emotional damage I am still dealing with and I am 29 years old! But I digress this isn't about me, it's about my son. I'm not one of those women that just sit back and hope for the best. My son is my life, and I'll be damned if anyone is going to ruin this beautiful little boy.
He's smart, funny, outgoing, sensative, brillant, charming, just amazing. It makes me so sad that you don't know these things. Wow, you really are missing alot.
I know that CJ will make up his mind about you when he's older. I can't stop that. But is the emotional toll gonna be worth it?
Are you willing to possibly lose your son because of some kind of grudge against me? I really feel that is how you feel. I wasn't suppose to even have kids so being pregnant was a huge shock to me too.
You didn't get angry when your baby factory got pregnant around the time my son was born. You left her and came running to me. You kept fucking her the whole time. You really think I don't know that? I wanted my son to have a father so badly that I allowed myself to be treated like a piece of shit. Aint that a bitch. I'm not over that either.
I get angrier and angrier each and every time I think our past. I really am such a loser to allow myself, and my son to be second best to any one! I have to pay for that, not him. I've got to be better, and stronger. I have to have my son succeed in his life with more opportunity that I ever had. I don't want him to be like me. I want him to be so much better.
I tell myself that I can't do this anymore. I give up. I lock myself into the walls I've built around myself. My son is the light in my darkness. I couldn't leave with out him. HE could get custody if something happend to me. Then who would be on his side? What kind of hell would HE put my son through? I told my mom once that if anything happend to me I wanted her to fight for full custody of CJ. I started will paper work that stated that also. HE is his father, so he would get CJ, but he doesn't deserve him. My mom promised me that she would do everything in her power to make sure she raises CJ. I believe her. He's done so much shit to me. He tried to kill me once. What if he does that to CJ? That really scares the hell out of me. What if he hurts my boy that way? Being mad isn't an excuse. Now I'm freaking myself out more. I'm not going anywhere for a long long time. Nothing or no one is going to keep me from raising my little boy. Empowerment Damn It.
Aint that a bitch.

I am crabby and angry a lot lately. Is there a trigger I ask myself? Yep, there are always triggers, but exactly which one is making me be so damn mean? I don't even want to be this way. I've been walking a 3 mile trail lately, that really makes me feel happy. I don't walk with a scowl on my face, just peace for a little while. As soon as I walk into the door I am angry and uptight again. Yeah, I'm really reliving alot of things from my past. It's a problem that I have. When I am upset or depressed I find someone to blame. I know that it's my fault, but I think of the people that have hurt me, and it's like slicing open an old wound and rubbing salt into it. Then I'm angry. It's not fair to the people in my life. I don't want to be so hateful, but sometimes it's like I can't help it. I try to do things alone so I don't transfer that anger to someone else. But it's kinda hard to do. I have a son whom is a momma's boy, and he's been getting into all kinds of trouble at daycare lately. He runs around, doesn't follow directions, does not respect or listen to his teachers. That's my fault. I know this. Maybe if I wasn't such an angry indivisual he would have a better time following directions. Great just something else for me to be blamed for.
It's kind of funny that no matter what happens, if I try hard enough I can make it my fault. My son has a bad day at school, what did I do wrong to cause it? Shop production is down, what did I do? My dog is running around like a mini mad man, I'm not strict enough with him. Trust, the list does go on.
Why am I like this? The other night I was changing into my jammies and a thought came through my head. A thought that I haven't thought of in many years. I remember after my dad left us for his woman on the side. He ended up helping her raise her kids that were a few years younger than us. They were cute, petite, and I truly believe that he was so discusted at the way we looked that he wanted a new family. After nearly 20 years after my parents divorced this is the thought that still haunts us. My brother, sister, and I are all built like my dad is. We are extremely tall, I, myself am 6 feet. We are broad shouldered and built like buildings. We are not small and delicate. My brother and my sister both have weight problems, I feel like I am the size of a house but in actuality I am smaller than they are. But I digress, I would hate going to visit my dad because of this. I think he knew there was a problem. I was about 11 years old when he made us all a bourbon drink. It was mixed with cola, but it was booze none the less. When we would visit on the weekends we spent 70% of the time in bars. From opening to closing. Aahh what a life. We didn't tell our mom until years later. She flipped out. She was practically in tears, why didn't we tell her? Maybe less damage would of been done to us if we didn't feel the need to protect him. My brother never when with us on our visits. He is 6 years older than me, and he desperately hated him. Still does. To this day dad hasn't met my niece or nephew. I don't get into the middle of it. I completely understand. My brother saw a lot more than my sister and I did. Somethings you can't change.
I remember the first time he got high in front of us. Now I've seen him loaded since I can remember. But he actually broke out the pipe and had a field day with us in the car. I was about 13-14 years old. I was 15 the first time he smoked crack in front of us. He has permanent indents on his arms from many years of needle banging. It's a sad sight.
Now he does try very hard with my son and my sisters kids. He is fun, and outgoing, and sometimes it makes me sad that we never had that growing up. But my son has a grandpa whom loves him. That's important too. I told my dad when I had my son that if he ever promised to pick him up, he had better do it, or I will make sure he doesn't see my son again. He use to do that to my sister and I. Call us tell us he was on his way to get us, and we would see him for months later. We were heartbroken and destroyed by this. I don't even know how many times he did it. My mom would just hold us and she would fight the tears. She couldn't believe that he repeatedly hurt us, but she didn't sugarcoat anything when it came to him. She didn't bad mouth him, at least not till we were older. But if we asked her a question, she didn't lie. God, thank you for my mom.

Yep it's my fault, I've been saying this alot lately. Everything that happens it is miraculous how it turns into my fault, and I get attitude for it.
Yesterday, had an oil change that came in. This is on one of our huge fleet customers, it's a diesel oil change, and it's expensive. The guy got here at 9. I've never done a diesel oil change before so I really didn't want to do it. I called HIM like 5 times, finally he showed up close to9:45. This poor guy had to wait here 45 minutes to get his truck serviced. I got snotty little comments, and "I need to learn how to do these". WTF? Since when is it the Service Advisor's fault? Yes I've helped with minor things like oil changes I can do them easily, I've helped out a few of my old shops like this, only because we were busy not cause my tech didn't feel like coming in early. At this time, I had 3 vehicles here for work. Not huge tickets but decent ones. We've been so slow lately we needed this money. But that didn't matter, he didn't get motivated till close to 10:30. Only one of these vehicles left yesterday. That is bad. Granted he had to battle two of them due to rust, etc, but that still isn't an answer. If he was here a couple hours earlier, bam, they would've been done. But no, it's his shop, but he doesn't want to come in. Nice.
He's upset at me now I think. I called him at 11:30 last night to see when he was going to be home, he was at the bar. Nice. He was suppose to be finishing up work so it'll be ready to leave this a.m. but nope, he had better things to do I guess. Now he doesn't go out very much, so I really don't care when he does. He deserves it just like everyone else. But it frustrates me that he'd rather go hang out then finish the jobs at HIS shop. It's not my shop, I should'nt have to always be the hard ass witch whom wants work done. He should want it, you gotta want it to make a business work. But sometimes it seems like I'm the only one whom wants him to succeed. That's so sad to me.
I get to be the bitch, the slave, the door mat, the pathetic shop winch. Man, I am getting so angry about all of this. Why is HIS shop on my shoulders? I will do everything in my power to make HIS shop a success. I will do almost anything, but it's not good enough. It's never good enough for him. I shouldn't want it more than he does.
Now he's not a complete POS. When he is in a good mood, he treats me wonderful. He's affectionate, sweet, and charming. No complaints, but the rest of the time it's not all roses and sunshine.